Friendship Fortress

Fortress Pic: Family Picnic Ice

2010-07-26T23:02:00.002-04:00

"A Family Reunion is not a time where you can let your guard down"

Fortress Pic: Smokin' Clark Kent

2010-07-22T15:13:00.002-04:00

"Lungs of Steel"

Russia- He's Just Not That Into You

2010-07-22T12:10:00.004-04:00

In the news recently 10 Russian spies have been captured after infiltrating and living within American society. These spies have gone so far as to get married, have children, and attend cook outs with African American neighbors (Meet the Browns). After many years of watching football (real football), mowing their lawns while using ride on mowers (with cup-holders), taking advantage of the low prices at Walmart and complaining about gas prices, these spies were finally uncovered. It is still unsure of whether these spies went undercover in America for malicious reasons, but recent news has suggested that these spies only reason for coming to America was to get a better understanding on how Americans felt about Russia.
The Friendship Fortress is always willing to lend a helping hand so here are 10 ways in order to tell if a America is into you.

1. He tells another country- If America is interested, he has most likely told his other mutual country friends about you. This will be a tell-tale sign that the country is trying to find out more about you and is interested in you. A country almost always knows that if he says something nice about you or thinks you are attractive it will make it's way back to you

2. He gives you "the look"- A country like America will always try to maintain a cool calm exterior, but nothing can cover up "the look". If from across the room America is looking you up and down and giving you a sweeping smile then America is definitely into you.

3. He trys to assasinate one of your world leaders- This may seem like America is trying to destroy your government in order to establish one the better suited to fit it's own needs, but this one goes all the way back to grade school. When you would pull on a girl's hair that means you like her. This is a country's way of telling you straight out, "Hey I know we have had our differences, but I want to lay you down in the Russian countryside and feed you strawberries like a wild Ranqifer Tarandus."

4. He appears unexpectedly- Finding trained navy seals rummaging through secret documents in the basement of an unknown bunker may not look good, BUT if he likes you he is going to appear out of nowhere. He can only do this if he has been asking about your schedule and if he is paying attention to where you are going and at what times you. You should take this as a compliment and as a sure sign that he is into you.

5. Mind games- If America is flirting with other countries you are friends with or waterboards any prisoner of war caught behind enemy lines, he might be playing mind games. If you decide to play these mind games right back and he seems to get upset, this is another sign that he into you.

6. He celebrates his achievements with you- When something good happens in America's life does he want to celebrate with you? Like ummmmm IDK like beating the shit out of Nazi's and Winning WWII! Does that one ring a bell? And if it doesn't it's the perfect conversation starter.

7. Be aware of touching- If you are at a UN conference and America's leg touches yours and he doesn't move it there that is a good sign he likes you. Also if he hugs you for small things like you got a new ushanka or your army got new AK-47s this is another good sign that America is into you.

8. Check for signs of nervousness- Nervous laughter, sweaty palms, fidgeting, and looking away quickly when you notice him noticing your noticing him noticing you? is always a good sign America is into you. If you double up naval reinforcements in the Baltic Seas, have submarines spotted close to the Alaskan shores, and are doing a lot of "weather tests" you are defintely going to be making America nervous. The more you make America nervous the more he is going to notice you and keep those sweating palms gushing like Niagra falls.

9. Everyone likes you- If you are a country that everyone likes, America will most likely like you too. If you have had more genocides then theme parks built in the past 10 years then mostly likely America isn't going to be that into you, but don't give up. It is never to late to change and get that flabby Russian butt in gear.

And most importantly....

10. When he talks about his future, does he mention you in it?- When America talks about world domination and one day inslaving all worldly countries are you by his side? When he talks about re-naming North Korea California Jr., is Russia Jr. right below it (South Korea)? When America is driving around Africa in it's gold plated Land Rover are you riding shotgun swiging a bottle of vodka gunning down third world villagers? These are all important questions to ask yourself and if America can't see you there maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time.

All of these are great way in order to tell if America is into you. No need to have spies infiltrating America's society anymore. Good Luck Russia! You blatenly homo-erotic country! The Fortress is behind you all the way!

- JOB

Keekisms: Words of Wisdom by the Keke

2010-07-22T11:02:00.001-04:00

"Nap Workout"

A Chip CHIP CHEERIO FROM THE UK

2010-07-20T16:28:00.003-04:00

Well It's a beautiful sunrise here in the gorgeous UK. It's about 5:22 Am and as I awoke slowly I thought I heard the mysteriously haunting but tranquilizing sound of the Thames river...as I rubbed my eyes I was quite startled to see that this sound of rushing water was in fact not coming from the Thames, it was indeed far from the Thames
...IT was in fact a one Gregory Kevin Pissing all over my fucking clothes, backpack, chair, and shoes. I sprung up and grabbed him and screamed go into the bathroom. to which he repled "One more sipp"??? whatever that means... and then he broke from my grasp and continued to pee on my belongings. Chalk another one up for the kid. Oh and wish me and greg luck today, we have to be up at 645am, put on suits, and not return to our rooms untill 1030 tonight.

Keekism: Words of Wisdom From The Keke

2010-07-18T12:19:00.001-04:00

"Flavorful chips should be flavorful"

The Jew's News: Article 2

2010-07-18T10:23:00.005-04:00

THE BAD “THE DECISION”:

Accelerated global warming, depletion of natural resources, collapse of financial institutions, unemployment, and forest fires are just a few of the adverse effects of Lebron James move to Miami.

Nostradamus, the famous French seer of the 16^th century, once prophesized, “When the giant dark king of the Midwest disbands from his throne to seek triumph in the Hotland, devastation will be inescapable”.

Now, skeptics and believers alike can believe what they want to about prophets and mystics, but 1 thing is for sure about Nostradamus. He was French. Which, according to a 2004 Harvard study, means he was a pussy. But what some may not know is that being French in the late 1500’s automatically made you homosexual (Source: History). This fact proves that Nostradamus’s predictions were accurate, because all French gay pussies only think about things like tea, novels, scones, and anal sex; Nostradamus actually thought about other things, and most of Nostradamus visions have come to fruition, including the rise and fall of Saddam Husain in the Middle East (which he described in a homoerotic scripture entitled Saddamy).

When the Fortress Investigation Team broke down Lebron trade to Miami they uncovered that unfortunately again Nostradamus prediction will be right.

Accelerated global warming. Lebron James went to a team called “The HEAT”; Coincidence NO, Problem YES. Ecologists predict that moving Lebron to Miami will increase the average yearly temperature (a.y.t) by 23 degrees. Combining an already weathered ozone layer with all the hot-air spewing from the mouths of Miami fans will increase the temperatures to the point of melting the polar ice caps. In fact just the “shit talk” from Lebron, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade will be enough to raise the a.y.t. 11 degrees, and the overabundance of Lebron frontrunners “fake-fan shit talk” will raise it another 7.

Forest Fires. The new record temperatures will be high enough to start fires in forests. A forest ablaze is, according to a field study by expert Smokey The Bear, a bad thing. (As they are now clearly inevitable, Smokey has announced he will officially be changing his slogan from “Only you can prevent forest fires”, to “@#$! YOU LEBRON!”.)

Pandemonium. With Lebron pulled out of Cleveland, The state of Ohio’s economy will spiral into an economic downturn. This is of course because, as one resident stated, “Ohio sucks and there’s nothing to do there except watch Lebron”. Lebron was the only reason people traveled to Ohio, and economists predict a cash flow decrease in the state of 125%. This will eventually destroy the major Ohio based companies like Proctor and Gamble (wiping you ass, washing clothes, and brushing teeth will be made nearly impossible), eliminating hundreds of thousands of jobs. This economic epidemic will extend to both coasts by 2013 causing what we are already labeling “Pande-Fucking-Monium 2013”

Like all problems, there is a solution, the only way to stop this terrible nation-obliteration from happening is for NBA Commissioner David Stern to null the trade and send Lebron to the Knicks. By doing this…….well…. ..pretty much all the same shit will happen….but hey, New York Knick basketball might be more bearable to watch…so…pros and cons….

Why Men Can Never Be Sluts

2010-07-18T10:06:00.006-04:00

In the Romantic comedy “Definitely, Maybe” Ryan Reynolds is tucking his daughter into bed recapping his previous relationships he has had in the past and this dialogue occurs.

Ryan Reynolds- I had two serious girlfriends… and then some other smattering of other women

Abigail Breslin- What’s the boy word for slut?

Ryan Reynolds- They still haven’t come up with one yet. But I am sure they are working on it.

This poses the real question that women have been asking for years- Why can guys sleep with whoever they want and it’s considered cool, but if women sleep with a lot of guys they are considered sluts? The easiest way to answer this is to simple say “I don’t know”. This answer is of course given in order to avoid a fight with a slut. If a man is dumb enough he will try to explain it, but this is almost always a bad idea. Well tonight my friends it’s time to nut up and tell women why they are considered sluts if they sleep with a lot of guys.

First, we must address the reason for why mean are not considered sluts. From the dawn time men have been battling and conquering nations. We look at land and say “Whoah, what’s the land? I think it should be mine.” Another warrior will say “Wait, but that shit’s land right? I think I want to have it instead of you.” And so we battle. There is no difference today with women. We see women and we want to be able to say “I have conquered and owned that territory for at least a night (and maybe quickly again in the morning).” This is why men have sex with a lot of women. Each woman is a different region that needs conquering. The more regions conquered, the more accomplished the man feels. When conversing with other “warriors of the pun” around the campfire discussing their different conquests, a man can say his number with pride. The higher his number, the more gifted the warrior. Men will have sex with as many women as they can. They want to feel like a proud, skilled, and talented warrior that can overcome these obstacles we call “clothing”. Women on the other hand are a whole other ball game.

Why are women called sluts? The general meaning for the word slut is sexually promiscuous. The word slut is meant as an insult (obviously). When a girl is a virgin she is an unconquered nation. She is fucking America! She can looked down on other pathetic nations like Ethiopia and say “Look at you, you dirty slut!” The first country to ever conquer America will be able to stand proud with their glowing cock and say “Hey! Fucking check me out. I swiped America’s V-card.” This is also why taking a girl’s virginity is such an achievement. You were the first combatant to stand on this foreign soil triumphant. If that same soldier were to stand on France and say “Hey! Look at me. I conquered France!” The entire world yell back “Pshh France? The kid who sits in the corner eating paste could nail that slut.” I hate to say this , but ladies you must protect your vaginas as if it held untold fortunes. A proud nation like America just as easily get drunk at a party and have sex with the entire lacrosse team like any other country. It is a fine line a woman must walk between princess and slut-fest, and I am glad to be able to wake up and see a pair of balls between my legs (most of the time- a room can get drafty in the winter time).

So women I say to you this- Men can never be sluts. If one day we live in a world where women forceful go after men in a sole effort to only have sex with them, it is then and only then, will we be able to call men sluts. That is a world I hope to one day live in. Where men and women can live together coexisting in slut harmony.

- JOB

Fortress Pic: Danny "Grad Ready" Firestone

2010-07-08T21:14:00.001-04:00

"Little Man + Big Tie + Short Sleeves = Grad Ready"

Fortress Pic: DJ's Summer Basketball Team

2010-07-08T21:06:00.002-04:00

"They may look tame, but don't be fooled. This basketball team is stacked with players who are ready to take the summer by the horns and show the world that friendship is a force to be reckoned with."

Fortress Pic: Trip to Boston

2010-07-08T21:02:00.005-04:00

"Dan is angry because he has to pee so bad his body hurts"
"Dan is releaved because the side of the Mass Turpike is covered in his urine"

Fortress Pic

2010-07-08T20:40:00.002-04:00

"Tom Sgammato's Grad Party = Neck Injury"

The Jew's News: Article 1

2010-07-08T14:00:00.006-04:00

Seatbelts: Friend or Foe?
The old adage "seatbelts save lives" holds less meaning today than ever

With the number of car accidents skyrocketing in recent years, motor vehicle departments around the U.S. have been increasing their advertising budget to campaign harder for the use of seatbelts, but do our neat nylon friends really protect us or are they simply a safety gimmick. The answer. NEITHER. In fact, seatbelts not only don't save your life...they kill your life. In a recent study done by FIT (Fortress Investigation Team) it was shown that seatbelt wearing is actually directly proportional to vehicle manslaughter.

FACT: Seatbelts are inconvienent to put on. They add precious seconds to the drivers trip, which creates the need to drive faster to make up for lost time. Fast driving is the leading cause of accidents. (BOOM! you just got into an accident with the knowledge train)

FACT: Seatbelts are uncomfortable. Uncomfortability is not [a word] a good thing, and it leads to a little something called road rage. Drivers "engaged in da rage" have a greater chance of getting into an accident. In addition, if the seatbelt is uncomfortable, than the driver may go to adjust it, thus taking their eyes off the road, and POW! chances of getting into a collision with an 18-wheeler holding baked goods nearly triple; and chances of smashing into a fruit stand or gypsy kiosk nearly quiple (5x).

FACT: Seatbelts decrease the importance of airbags. Airbags are the most important defense against injury in a crash. In an average crash seatbelts will break the right shoulder, snap the neck, shatter the pelvis, and give you testicular cancer (vehicular testicular cancer) before the airbags even get a chance to deploy.

FACT: Seatbelts will drown you...they will also burn you. Caught underwater or in a fiery inferno these so-called "safety devices" will 16 out of 19 times trap you and make you be not alive anymore. They will also steal from you, rape you, impregnate you, and seatbelts NEVER pay child support.

The completely accurate and not fake chart below demonstrates the relationship between being dead and seatbelts. As you can see, death exponentially increases with increased use of seatbelts.

FACT: These satanic straps destroy lives and should be removed from every car, SUV, truck, and hybrid ever because experts predict that by the year 2027 seatbelts will have killed more people than smoking, guns, inner city gang initiations, gateway drugs.....and cars.....combined.

- 13urely J3w

Will New iPhone Decrease Cargo Short Sales?

2010-06-07T20:20:00.008-04:00

VS.

Apple’s new iPhone 4 premiered today and now has more features than ever. With new upgrades such as, a front facing camera (good for taking pictures with a loved one while laying in bed myspace style), video chat (good for showing your dick on “Chat Roulette”), and the iPhone’s thinnest frame ever! (good for dropping it into hard to reach places) All these new features will not only improve the user’s day to day life, but will also decrease the amount of shit (stuff) you will have to carry in your pockets. This is good news for iPhone enthusiasts, but bad news for cargo shorts enthusiasts.
With Summer right around the corner it would be expected that cargo short sales would be through the roof right? WRONG! Ever since the release of the first iPhone in 2007 cargo short sales have dramatically decreased. The iPhone is not a 1 in 1, nor a 2 in 1, nor a 3 in 1 device. It is rather a billion to 1 device that can range anywhere from a scrabble board to something crazy like a cellular telephone. When asking an Apple employee how this has affected his life he responded, “My pants don’t feel like they have a ton of shit (stuff) in them anymore.” But while the “Fat Cats” at the Apple store are trotting around in their light pants what are the employees of Gap doing? We caught up with one of them and asked if they thought all the new features on the iPhone were going to decrease the sales of cargo shorts so drastically that they might be out of a job. The employee had this to say: “I never really thought about it (but then again my life does suck. I work at the fucking Gap for Christ’s sake!)”
So this leads to the conclusion- How should iPhone users feel about their new improved mobile devices? Happy that they can now shoot videos of their boring lives and upload them instantly to the land of “who gives a shit” OR sad that a terrible store like the Gap that sells out-of-style cargo shorts to a generation they still think lives in the 60s might be going out of business? It is up to the public to decide.
…………..I for one have a blackberry so I could give a fuck!

- JOB

Jump Jacks Increase Productivity at Work, BUT Do They Make You Like an Asshole?

2010-03-27T16:08:00.004-04:00

The answer is yes. You are at work. Sit on a chair and do what you are paid to do. I don't care if it increases your heart rate and helps your body function. You look like a fucking asshole sitting on a damn ball. And going over to help Karen's fat ass up is taking away from my productivity (that never happened to me but imagining having to do it pisses me off). Your lucky enough to live in a country that owns chairs. Fucking sit on one, shut your mouth and work. Dumbass.

The Debate Rages on- Who is Better?

2010-03-27T16:00:00.004-04:00

OR

Who gives a FUCK? You don't get a different fucking internet. What is your fucking problem? Just pick one already. No need to read up on a blog or anything like that.

How to Chill Bottle Quicker

2010-03-27T15:48:00.003-04:00

If you want to chill a bottle faster, try wrapping it in a wet towel before you put it in the freezer. OR just don't be a dumb procrastinating asshole and put the bottle in the freezer a head of time.

Segar's Blackout Halloween Festivities

2009-10-29T08:09:00.004-04:00

Sorry Brosephs that there hasn't been any posts lately. It has been tough moving what what-not-ery.

There will be a special movie presentation before Segar's Blackout Halloween Festivities at Toad's Place. The Video premiere will be occurring in the Lily pad, and those of you not cool enough will have to wait to watch it after Saturday.

Should be pretty funny. I look forward to seeing you smile.

-J O Bizzle

BEER CONFESSIONAL!!!

2009-10-15T08:40:00.002-04:00

It's up ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to be amazed. One man's struggle to over come prejudice and adversity gives hope to us all!

This is...........Beer Confessional

Again due to copyright infringement you have to watch it on the Fan page.

Become a fan

Weekend Wrap-Up

2009-10-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

Takin a week off from wrappin. All the more reason to get wild next weekend!

Wednesday will be the release of the epic 20min tale that is "Firestone's 20 Beer Confessional"

Prepare yourself!

Movie Release Day

2009-10-07T23:09:00.005-04:00

Because of copyright infringement you will have to watch this one on the fan page

The video is called DEPRESSION

Click on the word depression and follow the link

How you enjoy!

P.S. become a fan of the Friendship Fortress

Weekend Wrap-Up

2009-10-05T00:11:00.002-04:00

Firestone is: Rage'n and Rant'n

2009-10-02T18:38:00.001-04:00

…bout NFL players celebrating for doing their damn job. Pissin me off.
This Sunday I was watching football on my t.v. (only because I couldn’t figure out the TiVo, therfore I couldn’t watch How Stella Got her Groove Back. JOKE…that movie blew sack….just kidding I love it and own 2 copies 1 signed by Taye Diggs…) Anyway I came to pretty much despise all NFL wide receivers and SPT/DEF players in week 3 and here’s why:
Okay so we’ve all seen T.O. score a T.D….and run to the middle of the Dallas Star…or magically pull a sharpie out of his ass like he’s fuckin Chris Angel Mindfreak and sign a football…we’ve all seen Chad OchoCinco/Johnson/OchoJohnsonWhatever prance around the end-zone like he’s made it to semifinals of Dancing with the Stars (if you watch that crap, stop reading, dance your way over to a bottle of Clorox and down the whole thing)…those guys are allowed to do that because they have earned it, because they are good…wait… no…they do it because they are a bunch of buttcunts (shut-up spell check, that so is a word) with tons of money, they know they are going to get fined by the league, and yet they will still go ahead and motion fuck the leather-covered ball and ejaculate it into the crowd…it’s kind of like saying hey league here’s 10k to make a total bam-fuckin-boozle of myself in front of a national audience…and somewhere in a backyard far far away a little kid is mimicking him and getting sucker-punched in the face for being a douchebag (true life lesson from me; My Neighbor Joey that moved away 10 years ago, if your reading this I will find you, time-travel, and long-snap a pigskin signed by Jamarcus Russell into the back of your 12-year old head, then I will collect your tears in a Dixie cup, travel back to the present, and toss them in your fucking face.)
Anyway I mean whatever, like, T.O. does it, Chad does it, whatever, it’s kinda expected (they got this saying in Waltham, “once a moron, always a moron ”), what really gets me going is when the scrub special team player makes a tackle and does the chicken dance like its Crupis Super Sweet Sixteen (*Happy Birthday shout-out Crup-A-Loop, “hAtE BitCH’s <3 mInE!) I mean picture this, team down by 3 scores, there’s 4 minutes left in the game, and some bozo, who can’t read, but is making a solid mill plus, because Coach injected him in the rear end with “special syrup” in High school, thinks he’s Ray Lewis because he tackled the Kick Returner after a 47-yard gain… the magnitude of the malarkey is ridiculous…my recommendation for the next celebration an NFL player should do is jump up and down, wave their hands in the air, put the ball on the tee, and proceed to sit on it and rotate. Laces Fuckin Out.

No Friendship Fortress Video This Week

2009-09-30T19:48:00.005-04:00

Vince ate a bad peanut guys......Movies off this week. But you know like Entourage most likely the movie will be back on next week.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2009-09-28T22:04:00.002-04:00

Dan is: Rage'n and Rant'n

2009-09-28T16:09:00.002-04:00

Dan's Rage'n and Rant'n Has been moved to Thursdays!!

Pissin me off this week.

Darts –I love to win things, when I lose things, I’m inclined to chuck nearby objects and tell people vulgarly about the sexual things I’m going to do to their moms, (e.g.“I’m going to fuck your mom”). Look I’m not saying I’m a good dart player…but im decent…I’m better at darts then controlling my anger….whatever…let me just set the scene…I’m up a hundred points in 2 on 2 cricket darts (for those who don’t know the rules heres a link Rules of Cricket ….yes that was a picture of midget wrestlers, if you want to know the rules of darts, Google it, don’t waste my time.)…anyway I’m up a big ass lot and I’m winning this game while carrying a 2000 ton gorilla on my back. The gorilla’s name happens to be New Kid…and he hasn’t hit a single fucking shot all game. Now… I don’t know if Newks got in a rugby accident…if someone accidently broke his wrist during a rigorous training session or something….maybe he broke his thumb while fingering the pikes (ew.)….but for whatever reason, if it wasn’t for gravity, he couldn’t hit the ground. Now my opponents Old Greg and Cummins both start making shots…..the games getting closer, my body temperature is elevating, face is reddening, and Newks is still throwing darts like he’s afraid Waltham High is going to lose if they hit the dartboard. At this point old greg has started saying “Son”…. like a lot…like an average of 3 “sons” per sentence. Cummins, on the other hand, not positive on exactly what an inside voice is, starts SCREAMING simply the worlds most awful things at me, the words “gargle” and “balls” were not used sparingly….Newks tries to retort this by saying eeehhh arrittte fellahhhs (I mean just…..god dammit…) Apparently this accumulation of events, grinds my gears to no end, go figure. I start missing the mark more than Suave misses classes…and …next thing I know, Cummins aka Mark Whalberg from Shooter… hits 2 bull’s-eyes in a row. In possibly the biggest humpty dumpty bullshit piece of luck I’ve ever seen, we lose. My 1st thought was a big ol’ FUCK... 2nd thought was I wondered what Cummins forehead would look like if it was full of darts….3rd thought was I wondered what New Kid’s face would look like acupunctured with darts…4th thought was I have an anger problem and should seek immediate help…but then this segment wouldn’t exist right?

Dom's Top Ten of the Week

2009-09-28T15:59:00.004-04:00

Dom's top ten of the week will now be posted on Sunday's!!

So alot of people went home this weekend...tisk tisk tisk. And i was not impressed with everyone begging me to be in the top ten and not performing in top ten quality. Anyway heres the top ten

1- DJ and Ryan- Yes this is a top ten first, but these two have accumulated 1,000 kills on halo online this week. This is very impressive and very sad both at the same time. Regardless they are number 1.

3- Mike- Friday night at blackbear this man danced with a hood-rat from new haven for over an hour. When asked how this experience was he said "She was the greatest dance partner ever..."

4-Dan- Has not been high in over 2 weeks. After a brief week of smoking every night this man has been clean for a while. Congrats

5- Drew- Just as firestone has been sober for 2 weeks. Drew has successfully been high for 2 years straight, congrats drew.

6-Amber- Shes really smart.

7- Lauren- Was sick all last week to the point where she skipped most of her classes all week (no she didn't have swine.) On Thursday she said to me..."i feel alittle better, ready to black out tonight?" That is the true question of a champion!

8- Kristen- On friday night at Carly and Keenes Birtday Pregame succesfully ended the pinata's life. This brought loads of candy to my pockets.
When i woke up in the morning i had pockets full of nerds and other candys...i felt like i had just attended a 8 year old's birthday.

9- Two Kid- After years of never coming up he finally stopped letting good old newks down and came for a night of fun. He now knows what Newk's life is like at school and has a new love...Briana Mahoney<3.

10- Mingi- This man is the other group of friends version of Mike Capko. From his stylish attire to his calling out everyone attitude. How could he not make this list.

Also Recieving Votes- Leah, Sean, Joe J.

Dropped out of Rankings-
Anyone that went home-...seriously guys dafuck
Segar- Toad's still sucks

The Internet's Butthole: Shit we found online! Issue #3

2009-09-25T17:33:00.004-04:00

Take that, Canada! (read rule 3)

Because anal sex and Mario go together like peanut butter and jelly

Suck on this, Bear Grylls

What a shame, this would have looked great on her resume

This one's a keeper

Interview Skills

2009-09-22T00:06:00.003-04:00

Weekend Wrap-Up

2009-09-21T00:10:00.001-04:00

Firestone is: Rage'n and Rant'n

2009-09-20T14:12:00.001-04:00

This is a new segment, so just shut up, let me tell you a little about it, and heck, lets give it a go. So pretty much everyone knows I have a less than average ability to control my temper. I mean if you don’t know that much about me I think you’re a jerk-off and suggest you go play chicken on Whitney Ave. Just kidding live long and prosper, but hey what I’m trying to say is I sweat the small stuff, and when I get pissed people find it funny (which makes me more mad). So at the expense of myself every week I will be informing you about the events, people, and things that have got me boiling during the week. *Warning I have no concrete idea about the direction any of these segments will go, once I start its kind of a free for all. Enjoy.
Kanye West – What the rickety shit was that at the VMA’s, I have a life so I wasn’t watching it, I didn’t even know what a VMA was until a week ago, but I Google videoed it between porn sessions , and I have got to say, where the hell does this guy get off. Ok, I’ll be the first to admit Beyonce jumping around, moving in impossible goddess ways, with the worlds sexiest backup dancers, shaking those things all up in my face, makes me pitch a tent like I’m camping in Yellowstone Park, but come on, interrupting the hot country blond during her victory speech, to say that Jay-z’s slutwife prancing around in the most revealing bathing suit of all time (Fact: Beyonce shaves, and I know this) was the best video of all time is plain rude and a big load horseshit. How is that possibly an ok thing to do, you have to be fucked in the head or on crack. My possible explanations to why Kanye did what he did are:
1.)He smoked crack out of a pair of “Kanye West Air Yeezy” sneakers from his seat at the VMA’s
2.)Taylor Swift pronounced his name “Cain” so he got angry and retaliated…and smoked crack
3.) Beyonce promised him a Boston Backhand in Row 14 Section J after the show..and he smoked crack

4.) He’s an egocentric prick, he hates crackers, loves crack.

Anyway whatever the reason, what he did to the Taylor was wrong, if for no other reason then she’s simply the sweetest girl ever. I mean I don’t even want to slay her. I would rather go for a beautiful tandem bike with her to a secluded area, where we would have a delicious picnic, go birdwatching, have a ticklefight, things of that nature, then I’d bring her back to my house when dusk came, we would start watching Bee Movie, eating Fig Newtons, spooning, probably reach third base…wait what was I talking about… I don’t know something about Kanye being a dick…

Anyway Taylor if your reading this..your music brings me mediocre enjoyment your body brings me me a lot, and I would like to take u for that picnic and spoon some time…Beyonce can come too…Kanye can not.

A Day in the Life of Dom

2009-09-19T12:10:00.001-04:00

So I was sitting around thinking about what would make an interesting topic for the blog, and then it hit me: Following Domenic Cassone around for a day. What could possibly be more entertaining to everyone who knows him than to see the inner workings of the man, the myth, the legend. It sounded like a pretty good plan until I realized that I didn’t want to follow Dom around for 24 hours. At all. It would just be too much effort with way too many greetings of “How ya’ll like it” for a blog read by all of 20 people. So, instead, I decided to imagine what I thought a day following Dom around would be like. Here it goes.

9:45a.m: Dom wakes up, reaches over, grabs his laptop, and opens facebook. Once he sees he has a notification (Danielle Richards commented on a photo of his) he says “Oh, live.”

9:47: Comments on four consecutive pictures of Capko.

9:54: Writes on Kyles wall.

10:01: Gets into the shower.

10:02: Starts humming “Nobody’s Perfect” by Miley Cyrus

10:02 and 30 seconds: Starts humming “The Carter” by Lil Wayne

10:03: Starts humming the Space Jam theme song

10:07: With his towel on, Dom practices his New Kid impression, his Ryan Klepps singing impression, and his Capko impression in succession

10:45: Ready to leave for class, can’t find his phone. He asks himself, “Where’s my likey?” As he’s walking through the house he mutters, “Can’t find my likey” and “Where IS my likey?”

10:47: Finds his phone.

11:01: Sends Kyle a picture of himself eating a breakfast bar with his thumbs up.

11:15: Sees Firestone and DJ walking together on campus, says “Eh. Hey, FELLAAAHHSSS.”

12:00: Sitting in class, from 12:00 to 12:10 he thinks about: Pizza, McDonalds, Amir, The Rock of Love, sex, how he wishes this class would be over, pizza, Greg O’Neill, Snakes on a plane, and sex… in that order.

12:11: Texts Firestone something about Jake and Amir and Snakes on a Plane

1:00: Meets me at the gym. Every time I do a set he says “God, you’re sexy.” While we are walking to the water fountain, he yells “God, we are buff as FUCK!”

1:15: Touches my ass in front of 15 people at the gym and says “God, I would fuck you.”

1:18: As I do a set, Dom is nearby on a core ball. He is bouncing up and down on it with his tongue out. He does not know his tongue is out. Audra Stawicki walks into the gym and Dom yells “SUP GIRL. WANNA FUCK?”

2:00: Sees Berm on his walk out of the gym. Asks her what color underwear she is wearing.

2:01: Screams to 4 people walking by him. “THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND. HER. TITS. ARE. MINE!”

2:02: Makes fun of Amber for having a 4.0. Spends 5 minutes telling Amber about his own GPA

2:45: After a hard workout, Dom goes home and makes a giant bowl of pasta. Eats it all.

2:52: Poops. Looks into the bowl and says, “Oh, you like WELL!”

2:53: Walks out of the bathroom naked and tells Sean and Suave, “This is my cock. How ya’ll like?”

3:30: Walks into the Fortress, as he opens the door he says “LIVE!”

3:31: Sits on Jack’s lap and asks about his day

3:45: Gets really into a UFC Show Jack is watching

3:53: Notices his tongue is hanging out while he watches the show. Puts it back in his mouth and looks around to make sure no one noticed.

4:07: DJ walks in. Dom follows him into his room.

4:08: DJ tells Dom to take his medicine.

4:09: Kyle tells Dom to stop yelling from the loft. “Ohhhh the KEKE!” is Dom’s rebuttal.

5:15: Sitting on the Fortress couch in the middle of a TV show he asks no one in particular, “Guys, who is the coon?

5:26: Asks if anyone has seen the coon.

6:15: Dom turns to Firestone and says two words, “The D’s?” They both get up and leave the Fortress

6:26: Get to the McDonald’s drive thru. Dom orders two double cheeseburgers with “Just cheese and ketchup.” Also orders two 4 pieces nuggets. Calls his nuggets “noogs”.

6:27: Puts a chicken nugget in his pocket and tells Firestone

6:29: Eats one double cheeseburger on the way home. Also says “shpoice” every time he passes a…. shpoice.

7:02: Watches three episodes of South Park.

8:25: Asks who the coon is, even though no one is in the room.

8:26: Texts me asking if I know who the coon is.

8:55: Goes back to the fortress. Begins drinking. Never says the word beer. Calls it a likey the entire night.

9:00: The Office starts, asks Kyle to “Pass me a likey cause I just finished liking this likable.”

9:45: Makes it into New Haven, goes into Black Bear. Orders 3 beers. Sees big pika, turns away quickly.

10:18: Touches Cats boobs. When Cat gets pissed Dom says “Hahaha Kitty Cat.”

10:46: Gets caught by me and Jack talking to big pika at the bar. Pretends he’s not.

10:47: Starts talking with the peeks again.

10:50: Sees Jack and I staring at him so he pretends he’s not talking to her and walks away.

10:51: Denies talking to Salzman.

11:25: Dancing like an animal.

11:34: Tells Capko the same story 3 times within 10 minutes. Capko tells Dom he hates him.

12:42: Stumbles into a cab.

12:44: Pisses off the cab driver by yelling loud.

1:15: Makes a “likeable snack”. Eats it in 10 seconds.

1:22: Stumbles into his room. Checks facebook, reads everyone’s away messages, and checks his e-mail.

1:32: Goes to bed.

By: Ryan Klepps

Dom's Top Ten of the Week

2009-09-17T22:27:00.001-04:00

The Internet's Butthole: Shit we found online! Issue #2

2009-09-17T17:08:00.000-04:00

In the poetic words of Mike Tyson, "I'll fuck you till you love me faggot"

Yes, but do you like fish sticks?

I thought Spiderman was Peter Parker, not a bald French guy...

Along came a spider

I'm Oedipus, bitch. The original baller.

PSA- Drinking and Driving

2009-09-15T09:58:00.000-04:00

Klepps Played a Little Trick on Suave

2009-09-11T17:38:00.000-04:00

Shenanigans. Let me tell you what: The Friendship Fortress loves shenanigans. But to be honest… I only like one kind of shenanigan-- the one that involves me pulling the hijinx. I can dish it out with the best of them, but I am not the most gracious loser in the world. Whether it’s the championship game or someone pulling the chair out from underneath me, I do NAY like to come out of anything with the short end of the straw. Why am I telling you this? Because if someone did what I did to me, I’d throw a shit fit. Props to Suave for taking it like a man.
What went down was fairly simple. Back at the beginning of the second semester last year, Suave left his belongings in a study room with me in it. Typically, if one of my friends left their computer on in my presence, I’d usually just make their background a picture of some asian transvestite and call it a day. I had done that with Suave a couple too many times. So, instead, I change my number and Amber Kilmer’s (Berm) number in his phone. So, whenever he got a text from me, it would say Amber.
Basically for the next couple months Suave would text me and I would kind of flirt with him. Don’t judge me. It was all going smoothly until right before finals (we had him going for 3 months or so). I had him thinking that Berm wanted to gargle his balls a little bit, and I was getting a laugh out of it. Then he decided to call Amber one day, I didn’t hear the call, and it went to my voicemail. Idiot.
So, with the prank over and my master plan never coming to fruition, I felt empty, alone, and cold. I felt like this until Suave dropped his phone in the toilet over the summer because he can’t handle his alcohol. This made me happy. He made a facebook group “Gimme Yo Numbas” or something like that, and Amber and I felt obliged to pull the same prank… again. There was NO WAY he is going to fall for it twice right? Wait… he did.
So I got to man-flirt with Suave some more, but it didn’t have the same feeling to it anymore, my heart wasn’t in it. So, I decided to go for it all. I knew this would be the last text message conversation I’d ever have with Joe Suave with the potential of making him sexually aroused. Had to make it good. Me and JOB were on the couch together thinking of responses. Without further adieu… the unabridged conversation (With a little commentary from yours truly)
Suave: Where you at chicky
- Now, I have to say this made me giggle a little. He never called me chicky before. I knew he was feeling frisky… perfect.
Me: Heyy it’s been so long how are you?
Suave: Goooood just livin the dream you know
Me: Yeah me too when are we going to see each other
Suave: I’m done with the bank Saturday so maybe Sunday or Monday for a day. How does that sound?
Me: Good, I’ll have the apartment to myself
- Ok so right before me and Jack landed on sending this line, I told Jack, “Dude he’s going to know something’s up.” Jack let me know there was no chance of that happening. My anticipation grew. My phone vibrated. I dared to look.
Suave: Nice cause I need a place to crash
Me: Theres either the couch or my room… Your pick
- So now I’m dying. I tell Jack, “We shouldn’t have been that straight forward. He is going to know now. Damnit we could have had him.” Jack calms me down. He tells me to fear not. The table shakes a little, the phone and my heart light up. I reach quickly, but open the phone slowly, afraid that I’ve been found out and my fun is over…
Suave: I’ll the bed please
- Ok, so this is actually the funniest line out of all of them, in my opinion. He was so excited about the previous text that he had no chance of putting together a grammatically correct sentence. I initially died laughing… then a light bulb went off. I realized that I had most likely given Suave a boner. Uncomfortable with this, I asked Jack what he thought. He doesn’t even look up from a filler scene from I Love You, Man “Oh yeah dude he’s totally jacking it.” Gross.
Me: Sounds good.
- I almost dropped the ball here. I had such mixed feelings about the whole situation… I was curious about how far I could take this, amused, laughing pretty hard, but I also felt bad for Suave… this was getting too far, and I felt shame. Lots and lots of shame. But not enough shame to stop me from sending this:
Me: Are you going to treat me like a lady or a school girl?
- God, he’s got to figure it out. This is the last straw. Me and Jack both decide that even if he doesn’t figure it out and stays oblivious that it had gotten too far too quick. It was semi-homoerotic, a little absurd, but mostly uncomfortable. Before I had a chance to rethink my life values, my phone informed me that Suave had indeed sent something back. Please, for the love of God, let him figure it out…
Suave: lady… unless you want to be treated like a school girl
- Weird. Me and Jack decided this shenanigan went from funny to uncomfortable really quick… the line is thinner than you would think. So we sent a photo of the two of us with our thumbs up along with the caption: Is principal Suave there?

He wasn’t too quick to text us back. All I can say is… Thank God it wasn’t me. If it had been, I would have driven up to QU and punched myself in the face.

Dom's Top Ten of the Week

2009-09-10T17:09:00.001-04:00

The Internet's Butthole: Shit we found online!

2009-09-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

I knew the Japanese would find a use for Godzilla semen

Ahh, this makes much more sense stoned

Actually, I didn't

It hurts a lot less when you read it on twitter...

Recycling is easy as 1, 2, 3!

Tuesday Video Release Day!!: Laughing

2009-09-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

Free at Last, Free at Last

2009-08-12T17:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, there are moments in life where you can just lie down, or you can persevere. Moments when your spirit is shaken. Moments when you find yourself at a crossroads. Times when your blog gets shut down in its infancy because of copyright infringement. Whatever the case, these times are a true test of the human soul. We, the members of the Friendship Fortress, want you all to know that we were down for a while but we are certainly not out.

Sometimes all it takes is a little change of luck, a glimmer of hope, a sliver of life, or maybe even a "The" at the front of your blog name, to get things going. However my friends, we have a dream here at THE Friendship Fortress, and we shall carry on.

This is an indictment against all tyranny, a shoutout to all my peeps goin' thru a rough patch (sup homies), or maybe just a couple of friends putting back up a little web site that gets read by 15 or 20 people. Either way, this may be the greatest moment in our world's long and storied history, bar none.

Whether or not you believe in miracles, it's hard to doubt the triumph of the human spirit after watching this amazing event unfold.

THE BLOG IS BACK BITCHES.