Wednesday, September 30, 2009
No Friendship Fortress Video This Week
Monday, September 28, 2009
Dan is: Rage'n and Rant'n
Pissin me off this week.
Darts –I love to win things, when I lose things, I’m inclined to chuck nearby objects and tell people vulgarly about the sexual things I’m going to do to their moms, (e.g.“I’m going to fuck your mom”). Look I’m not saying I’m a good dart player…but im decent…I’m better at darts then controlling my anger….whatever…let me just set the scene…I’m up a hundred points in 2 on 2 cricket darts (for those who don’t know the rules heres a link Rules of Cricket ….yes that was a picture of midget wrestlers, if you want to know the rules of darts, Google it, don’t waste my time.)…anyway I’m up a big ass lot and I’m winning this game while carrying a 2000 ton gorilla on my back. The gorilla’s name happens to be New Kid…and he hasn’t hit a single fucking shot all game. Now… I don’t know if Newks got in a rugby accident…if someone accidently broke his wrist during a rigorous training session or something….maybe he broke his thumb while fingering the pikes (ew.)….but for whatever reason, if it wasn’t for gravity, he couldn’t hit the ground. Now my opponents Old Greg and Cummins both start making shots…..the games getting closer, my body temperature is elevating, face is reddening, and Newks is still throwing darts like he’s afraid Waltham High is going to lose if they hit the dartboard. At this point old greg has started saying “Son”…. like a lot…like an average of 3 “sons” per sentence. Cummins, on the other hand, not positive on exactly what an inside voice is, starts SCREAMING simply the worlds most awful things at me, the words “gargle” and “balls” were not used sparingly….Newks tries to retort this by saying eeehhh arrittte fellahhhs (I mean just…..god dammit…) Apparently this accumulation of events, grinds my gears to no end, go figure. I start missing the mark more than Suave misses classes…and …next thing I know, Cummins aka Mark Whalberg from Shooter… hits 2 bull’s-eyes in a row. In possibly the biggest humpty dumpty bullshit piece of luck I’ve ever seen, we lose. My 1st thought was a big ol’ FUCK... 2nd thought was I wondered what Cummins forehead would look like if it was full of darts….3rd thought was I wondered what New Kid’s face would look like acupunctured with darts…4th thought was I have an anger problem and should seek immediate help…but then this segment wouldn’t exist right?
Dom's Top Ten of the Week
So alot of people went home this weekend...tisk tisk tisk. And i was not impressed with everyone begging me to be in the top ten and not performing in top ten quality. Anyway heres the top ten
1- DJ and Ryan- Yes this is a top ten first, but these two have accumulated 1,000 kills on halo online this week. This is very impressive and very sad both at the same time. Regardless they are number 1.
3- Mike- Friday night at blackbear this man danced with a hood-rat from new haven for over an hour. When asked how this experience was he said "She was the greatest dance partner ever..."
4-Dan- Has not been high in over 2 weeks. After a brief week of smoking every night this man has been clean for a while. Congrats
5- Drew- Just as firestone has been sober for 2 weeks. Drew has successfully been high for 2 years straight, congrats drew.
6-Amber- Shes really smart.
7- Lauren- Was sick all last week to the point where she skipped most of her classes all week (no she didn't have swine.) On Thursday she said to me..."i feel alittle better, ready to black out tonight?" That is the true question of a champion!
8- Kristen- On friday night at Carly and Keenes Birtday Pregame succesfully ended the pinata's life. This brought loads of candy to my pockets.
When i woke up in the morning i had pockets full of nerds and other candys...i felt like i had just attended a 8 year old's birthday.
9- Two Kid- After years of never coming up he finally stopped letting good old newks down and came for a night of fun. He now knows what Newk's life is like at school and has a new love...Briana Mahoney<3.
10- Mingi- This man is the other group of friends version of Mike Capko. From his stylish attire to his calling out everyone attitude. How could he not make this list.
Also Recieving Votes- Leah, Sean, Joe J.
Dropped out of Rankings-
Anyone that went home-...seriously guys dafuck
Segar- Toad's still sucks
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Firestone is: Rage'n and Rant'n
Kanye West – What the rickety shit was that at the VMA’s, I have a life so I wasn’t watching it, I didn’t even know what a VMA was until a week ago, but I Google videoed it between porn sessions , and I have got to say, where the hell does this guy get off. Ok, I’ll be the first to admit Beyonce jumping around, moving in impossible goddess ways, with the worlds sexiest backup dancers, shaking those things all up in my face, makes me pitch a tent like I’m camping in Yellowstone Park, but come on, interrupting the hot country blond during her victory speech, to say that Jay-z’s slutwife prancing around in the most revealing bathing suit of all time (Fact: Beyonce shaves, and I know this) was the best video of all time is plain rude and a big load horseshit. How is that possibly an ok thing to do, you have to be fucked in the head or on crack. My possible explanations to why Kanye did what he did are:
1.)He smoked crack out of a pair of “Kanye West Air Yeezy” sneakers from his seat at the VMA’s
2.)Taylor Swift pronounced his name “Cain” so he got angry and retaliated…and smoked crack
3.) Beyonce promised him a Boston Backhand in Row 14 Section J after the show..and he smoked crack
4.) He’s an egocentric prick, he hates crackers, loves crack.
Anyway whatever the reason, what he did to the Taylor was wrong, if for no other reason then she’s simply the sweetest girl ever. I mean I don’t even want to slay her. I would rather go for a beautiful tandem bike with her to a secluded area, where we would have a delicious picnic, go birdwatching, have a ticklefight, things of that nature, then I’d bring her back to my house when dusk came, we would start watching Bee Movie, eating Fig Newtons, spooning, probably reach third base…wait what was I talking about… I don’t know something about Kanye being a dick…
Anyway Taylor if your reading this..your music brings me mediocre enjoyment your body brings me me a lot, and I would like to take u for that picnic and spoon some time…Beyonce can come too…Kanye can not.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A Day in the Life of Dom
9:45a.m: Dom wakes up, reaches over, grabs his laptop, and opens facebook. Once he sees he has a notification (Danielle Richards commented on a photo of his) he says “Oh, live.”
9:47: Comments on four consecutive pictures of Capko.
9:54: Writes on Kyles wall.
10:01: Gets into the shower.
10:02: Starts humming “Nobody’s Perfect” by Miley Cyrus
10:02 and 30 seconds: Starts humming “The Carter” by Lil Wayne
10:03: Starts humming the Space Jam theme song
10:07: With his towel on, Dom practices his New Kid impression, his Ryan Klepps singing impression, and his Capko impression in succession
10:45: Ready to leave for class, can’t find his phone. He asks himself, “Where’s my likey?” As he’s walking through the house he mutters, “Can’t find my likey” and “Where IS my likey?”
10:47: Finds his phone.
11:01: Sends Kyle a picture of himself eating a breakfast bar with his thumbs up.
11:15: Sees Firestone and DJ walking together on campus, says “Eh. Hey, FELLAAAHHSSS.”
12:00: Sitting in class, from 12:00 to 12:10 he thinks about: Pizza, McDonalds, Amir, The Rock of Love, sex, how he wishes this class would be over, pizza, Greg O’Neill, Snakes on a plane, and sex… in that order.
12:11: Texts Firestone something about Jake and Amir and Snakes on a Plane
1:00: Meets me at the gym. Every time I do a set he says “God, you’re sexy.” While we are walking to the water fountain, he yells “God, we are buff as FUCK!”
1:15: Touches my ass in front of 15 people at the gym and says “God, I would fuck you.”
1:18: As I do a set, Dom is nearby on a core ball. He is bouncing up and down on it with his tongue out. He does not know his tongue is out. Audra Stawicki walks into the gym and Dom yells “SUP GIRL. WANNA FUCK?”
2:00: Sees Berm on his walk out of the gym. Asks her what color underwear she is wearing.
2:01: Screams to 4 people walking by him. “THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND. HER. TITS. ARE. MINE!”
2:02: Makes fun of Amber for having a 4.0. Spends 5 minutes telling Amber about his own GPA
2:45: After a hard workout, Dom goes home and makes a giant bowl of pasta. Eats it all.
2:52: Poops. Looks into the bowl and says, “Oh, you like WELL!”
2:53: Walks out of the bathroom naked and tells Sean and Suave, “This is my cock. How ya’ll like?”
3:30: Walks into the Fortress, as he opens the door he says “LIVE!”
3:31: Sits on Jack’s lap and asks about his day
3:45: Gets really into a UFC Show Jack is watching
3:53: Notices his tongue is hanging out while he watches the show. Puts it back in his mouth and looks around to make sure no one noticed.
4:07: DJ walks in. Dom follows him into his room.
4:08: DJ tells Dom to take his medicine.
4:09: Kyle tells Dom to stop yelling from the loft. “Ohhhh the KEKE!” is Dom’s rebuttal.
5:15: Sitting on the Fortress couch in the middle of a TV show he asks no one in particular, “Guys, who is the coon?
5:26: Asks if anyone has seen the coon.
6:15: Dom turns to Firestone and says two words, “The D’s?” They both get up and leave the Fortress
6:26: Get to the McDonald’s drive thru. Dom orders two double cheeseburgers with “Just cheese and ketchup.” Also orders two 4 pieces nuggets. Calls his nuggets “noogs”.
6:27: Puts a chicken nugget in his pocket and tells Firestone
6:29: Eats one double cheeseburger on the way home. Also says “shpoice” every time he passes a…. shpoice.
7:02: Watches three episodes of South Park.
8:25: Asks who the coon is, even though no one is in the room.
8:26: Texts me asking if I know who the coon is.
8:55: Goes back to the fortress. Begins drinking. Never says the word beer. Calls it a likey the entire night.
9:00: The Office starts, asks Kyle to “Pass me a likey cause I just finished liking this likable.”
9:45: Makes it into New Haven, goes into Black Bear. Orders 3 beers. Sees big pika, turns away quickly.
10:18: Touches Cats boobs. When Cat gets pissed Dom says “Hahaha Kitty Cat.”
10:46: Gets caught by me and Jack talking to big pika at the bar. Pretends he’s not.
10:47: Starts talking with the peeks again.
10:50: Sees Jack and I staring at him so he pretends he’s not talking to her and walks away.
10:51: Denies talking to Salzman.
11:25: Dancing like an animal.
11:34: Tells Capko the same story 3 times within 10 minutes. Capko tells Dom he hates him.
12:42: Stumbles into a cab.
12:44: Pisses off the cab driver by yelling loud.
1:15: Makes a “likeable snack”. Eats it in 10 seconds.
1:22: Stumbles into his room. Checks facebook, reads everyone’s away messages, and checks his e-mail.
1:32: Goes to bed.
By: Ryan Klepps
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Klepps Played a Little Trick on Suave
What went down was fairly simple. Back at the beginning of the second semester last year, Suave left his belongings in a study room with me in it. Typically, if one of my friends left their computer on in my presence, I’d usually just make their background a picture of some asian transvestite and call it a day. I had done that with Suave a couple too many times. So, instead, I change my number and Amber Kilmer’s (Berm) number in his phone. So, whenever he got a text from me, it would say Amber.
Basically for the next couple months Suave would text me and I would kind of flirt with him. Don’t judge me. It was all going smoothly until right before finals (we had him going for 3 months or so). I had him thinking that Berm wanted to gargle his balls a little bit, and I was getting a laugh out of it. Then he decided to call Amber one day, I didn’t hear the call, and it went to my voicemail. Idiot.
So, with the prank over and my master plan never coming to fruition, I felt empty, alone, and cold. I felt like this until Suave dropped his phone in the toilet over the summer because he can’t handle his alcohol. This made me happy. He made a facebook group “Gimme Yo Numbas” or something like that, and Amber and I felt obliged to pull the same prank… again. There was NO WAY he is going to fall for it twice right? Wait… he did.
So I got to man-flirt with Suave some more, but it didn’t have the same feeling to it anymore, my heart wasn’t in it. So, I decided to go for it all. I knew this would be the last text message conversation I’d ever have with Joe Suave with the potential of making him sexually aroused. Had to make it good. Me and JOB were on the couch together thinking of responses. Without further adieu… the unabridged conversation (With a little commentary from yours truly)
Suave: Where you at chicky
- Now, I have to say this made me giggle a little. He never called me chicky before. I knew he was feeling frisky… perfect.
Me: Heyy it’s been so long how are you?
Suave: Goooood just livin the dream you know
Me: Yeah me too when are we going to see each other
Suave: I’m done with the bank Saturday so maybe Sunday or Monday for a day. How does that sound?
Me: Good, I’ll have the apartment to myself
- Ok so right before me and Jack landed on sending this line, I told Jack, “Dude he’s going to know something’s up.” Jack let me know there was no chance of that happening. My anticipation grew. My phone vibrated. I dared to look.
Suave: Nice cause I need a place to crash
Me: Theres either the couch or my room… Your pick
- So now I’m dying. I tell Jack, “We shouldn’t have been that straight forward. He is going to know now. Damnit we could have had him.” Jack calms me down. He tells me to fear not. The table shakes a little, the phone and my heart light up. I reach quickly, but open the phone slowly, afraid that I’ve been found out and my fun is over…
Suave: I’ll the bed please
- Ok, so this is actually the funniest line out of all of them, in my opinion. He was so excited about the previous text that he had no chance of putting together a grammatically correct sentence. I initially died laughing… then a light bulb went off. I realized that I had most likely given Suave a boner. Uncomfortable with this, I asked Jack what he thought. He doesn’t even look up from a filler scene from I Love You, Man “Oh yeah dude he’s totally jacking it.” Gross.
Me: Sounds good.
- I almost dropped the ball here. I had such mixed feelings about the whole situation… I was curious about how far I could take this, amused, laughing pretty hard, but I also felt bad for Suave… this was getting too far, and I felt shame. Lots and lots of shame. But not enough shame to stop me from sending this:
Me: Are you going to treat me like a lady or a school girl?
- God, he’s got to figure it out. This is the last straw. Me and Jack both decide that even if he doesn’t figure it out and stays oblivious that it had gotten too far too quick. It was semi-homoerotic, a little absurd, but mostly uncomfortable. Before I had a chance to rethink my life values, my phone informed me that Suave had indeed sent something back. Please, for the love of God, let him figure it out…
Suave: lady… unless you want to be treated like a school girl
- Weird. Me and Jack decided this shenanigan went from funny to uncomfortable really quick… the line is thinner than you would think. So we sent a photo of the two of us with our thumbs up along with the caption: Is principal Suave there?
He wasn’t too quick to text us back. All I can say is… Thank God it wasn’t me. If it had been, I would have driven up to QU and punched myself in the face.