Shenanigans. Let me tell you what: The Friendship Fortress loves shenanigans. But to be honest… I only like one kind of shenanigan-- the one that involves me pulling the hijinx. I can dish it out with the best of them, but I am not the most gracious loser in the world. Whether it’s the championship game or someone pulling the chair out from underneath me, I do NAY like to come out of anything with the short end of the straw. Why am I telling you this? Because if someone did what I did to me, I’d throw a shit fit. Props to Suave for taking it like a man.
What went down was fairly simple. Back at the beginning of the second semester last year, Suave left his belongings in a study room with me in it. Typically, if one of my friends left their computer on in my presence, I’d usually just make their background a picture of some asian transvestite and call it a day. I had done that with Suave a couple too many times. So, instead, I change my number and Amber Kilmer’s (Berm) number in his phone. So, whenever he got a text from me, it would say Amber.
Basically for the next couple months Suave would text me and I would kind of flirt with him. Don’t judge me. It was all going smoothly until right before finals (we had him going for 3 months or so). I had him thinking that Berm wanted to gargle his balls a little bit, and I was getting a laugh out of it. Then he decided to call Amber one day, I didn’t hear the call, and it went to my voicemail. Idiot.
So, with the prank over and my master plan never coming to fruition, I felt empty, alone, and cold. I felt like this until Suave dropped his phone in the toilet over the summer because he can’t handle his alcohol. This made me happy. He made a facebook group “Gimme Yo Numbas” or something like that, and Amber and I felt obliged to pull the same prank… again. There was NO WAY he is going to fall for it twice right? Wait… he did.
So I got to man-flirt with Suave some more, but it didn’t have the same feeling to it anymore, my heart wasn’t in it. So, I decided to go for it all. I knew this would be the last text message conversation I’d ever have with Joe Suave with the potential of making him sexually aroused. Had to make it good. Me and JOB were on the couch together thinking of responses. Without further adieu… the unabridged conversation (With a little commentary from yours truly)
Suave: Where you at chicky
- Now, I have to say this made me giggle a little. He never called me chicky before. I knew he was feeling frisky… perfect.
Me: Heyy it’s been so long how are you?
Suave: Goooood just livin the dream you know
Me: Yeah me too when are we going to see each other
Suave: I’m done with the bank Saturday so maybe Sunday or Monday for a day. How does that sound?
Me: Good, I’ll have the apartment to myself
- Ok so right before me and Jack landed on sending this line, I told Jack, “Dude he’s going to know something’s up.” Jack let me know there was no chance of that happening. My anticipation grew. My phone vibrated. I dared to look.
Suave: Nice cause I need a place to crash
Me: Theres either the couch or my room… Your pick
- So now I’m dying. I tell Jack, “We shouldn’t have been that straight forward. He is going to know now. Damnit we could have had him.” Jack calms me down. He tells me to fear not. The table shakes a little, the phone and my heart light up. I reach quickly, but open the phone slowly, afraid that I’ve been found out and my fun is over…
Suave: I’ll the bed please
- Ok, so this is actually the funniest line out of all of them, in my opinion. He was so excited about the previous text that he had no chance of putting together a grammatically correct sentence. I initially died laughing… then a light bulb went off. I realized that I had most likely given Suave a boner. Uncomfortable with this, I asked Jack what he thought. He doesn’t even look up from a filler scene from I Love You, Man “Oh yeah dude he’s totally jacking it.” Gross.
Me: Sounds good.
- I almost dropped the ball here. I had such mixed feelings about the whole situation… I was curious about how far I could take this, amused, laughing pretty hard, but I also felt bad for Suave… this was getting too far, and I felt shame. Lots and lots of shame. But not enough shame to stop me from sending this:
Me: Are you going to treat me like a lady or a school girl?
- God, he’s got to figure it out. This is the last straw. Me and Jack both decide that even if he doesn’t figure it out and stays oblivious that it had gotten too far too quick. It was semi-homoerotic, a little absurd, but mostly uncomfortable. Before I had a chance to rethink my life values, my phone informed me that Suave had indeed sent something back. Please, for the love of God, let him figure it out…
Suave: lady… unless you want to be treated like a school girl
- Weird. Me and Jack decided this shenanigan went from funny to uncomfortable really quick… the line is thinner than you would think. So we sent a photo of the two of us with our thumbs up along with the caption: Is principal Suave there?
He wasn’t too quick to text us back. All I can say is… Thank God it wasn’t me. If it had been, I would have driven up to QU and punched myself in the face.
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