The Jew's News: Article 2

THE BAD “THE DECISION”:

Accelerated global warming, depletion of natural resources, collapse of financial institutions, unemployment, and forest fires are just a few of the adverse effects of Lebron James move to Miami.

Nostradamus, the famous French seer of the 16^th century, once prophesized, “When the giant dark king of the Midwest disbands from his throne to seek triumph in the Hotland, devastation will be inescapable”.

Now, skeptics and believers alike can believe what they want to about prophets and mystics, but 1 thing is for sure about Nostradamus. He was French. Which, according to a 2004 Harvard study, means he was a pussy. But what some may not know is that being French in the late 1500’s automatically made you homosexual (Source: History). This fact proves that Nostradamus’s predictions were accurate, because all French gay pussies only think about things like tea, novels, scones, and anal sex; Nostradamus actually thought about other things, and most of Nostradamus visions have come to fruition, including the rise and fall of Saddam Husain in the Middle East (which he described in a homoerotic scripture entitled Saddamy).

When the Fortress Investigation Team broke down Lebron trade to Miami they uncovered that unfortunately again Nostradamus prediction will be right.

Accelerated global warming. Lebron James went to a team called “The HEAT”; Coincidence NO, Problem YES. Ecologists predict that moving Lebron to Miami will increase the average yearly temperature (a.y.t) by 23 degrees. Combining an already weathered ozone layer with all the hot-air spewing from the mouths of Miami fans will increase the temperatures to the point of melting the polar ice caps. In fact just the “shit talk” from Lebron, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade will be enough to raise the a.y.t. 11 degrees, and the overabundance of Lebron frontrunners “fake-fan shit talk” will raise it another 7.

Forest Fires. The new record temperatures will be high enough to start fires in forests. A forest ablaze is, according to a field study by expert Smokey The Bear, a bad thing. (As they are now clearly inevitable, Smokey has announced he will officially be changing his slogan from “Only you can prevent forest fires”, to “@#$! YOU LEBRON!”.)

Pandemonium. With Lebron pulled out of Cleveland, The state of Ohio’s economy will spiral into an economic downturn. This is of course because, as one resident stated, “Ohio sucks and there’s nothing to do there except watch Lebron”. Lebron was the only reason people traveled to Ohio, and economists predict a cash flow decrease in the state of 125%. This will eventually destroy the major Ohio based companies like Proctor and Gamble (wiping you ass, washing clothes, and brushing teeth will be made nearly impossible), eliminating hundreds of thousands of jobs. This economic epidemic will extend to both coasts by 2013 causing what we are already labeling “Pande-Fucking-Monium 2013”

Like all problems, there is a solution, the only way to stop this terrible nation-obliteration from happening is for NBA Commissioner David Stern to null the trade and send Lebron to the Knicks. By doing this…….well…. ..pretty much all the same shit will happen….but hey, New York Knick basketball might be more bearable to watch…so…pros and cons….