Why Men Can Never Be Sluts

In the Romantic comedy “Definitely, Maybe” Ryan Reynolds is tucking his daughter into bed recapping his previous relationships he has had in the past and this dialogue occurs.

Ryan Reynolds- I had two serious girlfriends… and then some other smattering of other women

Abigail Breslin- What’s the boy word for slut?

Ryan Reynolds- They still haven’t come up with one yet. But I am sure they are working on it.

This poses the real question that women have been asking for years- Why can guys sleep with whoever they want and it’s considered cool, but if women sleep with a lot of guys they are considered sluts? The easiest way to answer this is to simple say “I don’t know”. This answer is of course given in order to avoid a fight with a slut. If a man is dumb enough he will try to explain it, but this is almost always a bad idea. Well tonight my friends it’s time to nut up and tell women why they are considered sluts if they sleep with a lot of guys.

First, we must address the reason for why mean are not considered sluts. From the dawn time men have been battling and conquering nations. We look at land and say “Whoah, what’s the land? I think it should be mine.” Another warrior will say “Wait, but that shit’s land right? I think I want to have it instead of you.” And so we battle. There is no difference today with women. We see women and we want to be able to say “I have conquered and owned that territory for at least a night (and maybe quickly again in the morning).” This is why men have sex with a lot of women. Each woman is a different region that needs conquering. The more regions conquered, the more accomplished the man feels. When conversing with other “warriors of the pun” around the campfire discussing their different conquests, a man can say his number with pride. The higher his number, the more gifted the warrior. Men will have sex with as many women as they can. They want to feel like a proud, skilled, and talented warrior that can overcome these obstacles we call “clothing”. Women on the other hand are a whole other ball game.

Why are women called sluts? The general meaning for the word slut is sexually promiscuous. The word slut is meant as an insult (obviously). When a girl is a virgin she is an unconquered nation. She is fucking America! She can looked down on other pathetic nations like Ethiopia and say “Look at you, you dirty slut!” The first country to ever conquer America will be able to stand proud with their glowing cock and say “Hey! Fucking check me out. I swiped America’s V-card.” This is also why taking a girl’s virginity is such an achievement. You were the first combatant to stand on this foreign soil triumphant. If that same soldier were to stand on France and say “Hey! Look at me. I conquered France!” The entire world yell back “Pshh France? The kid who sits in the corner eating paste could nail that slut.” I hate to say this , but ladies you must protect your vaginas as if it held untold fortunes. A proud nation like America just as easily get drunk at a party and have sex with the entire lacrosse team like any other country. It is a fine line a woman must walk between princess and slut-fest, and I am glad to be able to wake up and see a pair of balls between my legs (most of the time- a room can get drafty in the winter time).

So women I say to you this- Men can never be sluts. If one day we live in a world where women forceful go after men in a sole effort to only have sex with them, it is then and only then, will we be able to call men sluts. That is a world I hope to one day live in. Where men and women can live together coexisting in slut harmony.

- JOB