Keekisms: Words of Wisdom by the Keke

"Nap Workout"

A Chip CHIP CHEERIO FROM THE UK

Well It's a beautiful sunrise here in the gorgeous UK. It's about 5:22 Am and as I awoke slowly I thought I heard the mysteriously haunting but tranquilizing sound of the Thames river...as I rubbed my eyes I was quite startled to see that this sound of rushing water was in fact not coming from the Thames, it was indeed far from the Thames
...IT was in fact a one Gregory Kevin Pissing all over my fucking clothes, backpack, chair, and shoes. I sprung up and grabbed him and screamed go into the bathroom. to which he repled "One more sipp"??? whatever that means... and then he broke from my grasp and continued to pee on my belongings. Chalk another one up for the kid. Oh and wish me and greg luck today, we have to be up at 645am, put on suits, and not return to our rooms untill 1030 tonight.

Keekism: Words of Wisdom From The Keke

"Flavorful chips should be flavorful"

The Jew's News: Article 2

THE BAD “THE DECISION”:

Accelerated global warming, depletion of natural resources, collapse of financial institutions, unemployment, and forest fires are just a few of the adverse effects of Lebron James move to Miami.

Nostradamus, the famous French seer of the 16^th century, once prophesized, “When the giant dark king of the Midwest disbands from his throne to seek triumph in the Hotland, devastation will be inescapable”.

Now, skeptics and believers alike can believe what they want to about prophets and mystics, but 1 thing is for sure about Nostradamus. He was French. Which, according to a 2004 Harvard study, means he was a pussy. But what some may not know is that being French in the late 1500’s automatically made you homosexual (Source: History). This fact proves that Nostradamus’s predictions were accurate, because all French gay pussies only think about things like tea, novels, scones, and anal sex; Nostradamus actually thought about other things, and most of Nostradamus visions have come to fruition, including the rise and fall of Saddam Husain in the Middle East (which he described in a homoerotic scripture entitled Saddamy).

When the Fortress Investigation Team broke down Lebron trade to Miami they uncovered that unfortunately again Nostradamus prediction will be right.

Accelerated global warming. Lebron James went to a team called “The HEAT”; Coincidence NO, Problem YES. Ecologists predict that moving Lebron to Miami will increase the average yearly temperature (a.y.t) by 23 degrees. Combining an already weathered ozone layer with all the hot-air spewing from the mouths of Miami fans will increase the temperatures to the point of melting the polar ice caps. In fact just the “shit talk” from Lebron, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade will be enough to raise the a.y.t. 11 degrees, and the overabundance of Lebron frontrunners “fake-fan shit talk” will raise it another 7.

Forest Fires. The new record temperatures will be high enough to start fires in forests. A forest ablaze is, according to a field study by expert Smokey The Bear, a bad thing. (As they are now clearly inevitable, Smokey has announced he will officially be changing his slogan from “Only you can prevent forest fires”, to “@#$! YOU LEBRON!”.)

Pandemonium. With Lebron pulled out of Cleveland, The state of Ohio’s economy will spiral into an economic downturn. This is of course because, as one resident stated, “Ohio sucks and there’s nothing to do there except watch Lebron”. Lebron was the only reason people traveled to Ohio, and economists predict a cash flow decrease in the state of 125%. This will eventually destroy the major Ohio based companies like Proctor and Gamble (wiping you ass, washing clothes, and brushing teeth will be made nearly impossible), eliminating hundreds of thousands of jobs. This economic epidemic will extend to both coasts by 2013 causing what we are already labeling “Pande-Fucking-Monium 2013”

Like all problems, there is a solution, the only way to stop this terrible nation-obliteration from happening is for NBA Commissioner David Stern to null the trade and send Lebron to the Knicks. By doing this…….well…. ..pretty much all the same shit will happen….but hey, New York Knick basketball might be more bearable to watch…so…pros and cons….

Why Men Can Never Be Sluts

In the Romantic comedy “Definitely, Maybe” Ryan Reynolds is tucking his daughter into bed recapping his previous relationships he has had in the past and this dialogue occurs.

Ryan Reynolds- I had two serious girlfriends… and then some other smattering of other women

Abigail Breslin- What’s the boy word for slut?

Ryan Reynolds- They still haven’t come up with one yet. But I am sure they are working on it.

This poses the real question that women have been asking for years- Why can guys sleep with whoever they want and it’s considered cool, but if women sleep with a lot of guys they are considered sluts? The easiest way to answer this is to simple say “I don’t know”. This answer is of course given in order to avoid a fight with a slut. If a man is dumb enough he will try to explain it, but this is almost always a bad idea. Well tonight my friends it’s time to nut up and tell women why they are considered sluts if they sleep with a lot of guys.

First, we must address the reason for why mean are not considered sluts. From the dawn time men have been battling and conquering nations. We look at land and say “Whoah, what’s the land? I think it should be mine.” Another warrior will say “Wait, but that shit’s land right? I think I want to have it instead of you.” And so we battle. There is no difference today with women. We see women and we want to be able to say “I have conquered and owned that territory for at least a night (and maybe quickly again in the morning).” This is why men have sex with a lot of women. Each woman is a different region that needs conquering. The more regions conquered, the more accomplished the man feels. When conversing with other “warriors of the pun” around the campfire discussing their different conquests, a man can say his number with pride. The higher his number, the more gifted the warrior. Men will have sex with as many women as they can. They want to feel like a proud, skilled, and talented warrior that can overcome these obstacles we call “clothing”. Women on the other hand are a whole other ball game.

Why are women called sluts? The general meaning for the word slut is sexually promiscuous. The word slut is meant as an insult (obviously). When a girl is a virgin she is an unconquered nation. She is fucking America! She can looked down on other pathetic nations like Ethiopia and say “Look at you, you dirty slut!” The first country to ever conquer America will be able to stand proud with their glowing cock and say “Hey! Fucking check me out. I swiped America’s V-card.” This is also why taking a girl’s virginity is such an achievement. You were the first combatant to stand on this foreign soil triumphant. If that same soldier were to stand on France and say “Hey! Look at me. I conquered France!” The entire world yell back “Pshh France? The kid who sits in the corner eating paste could nail that slut.” I hate to say this , but ladies you must protect your vaginas as if it held untold fortunes. A proud nation like America just as easily get drunk at a party and have sex with the entire lacrosse team like any other country. It is a fine line a woman must walk between princess and slut-fest, and I am glad to be able to wake up and see a pair of balls between my legs (most of the time- a room can get drafty in the winter time).

So women I say to you this- Men can never be sluts. If one day we live in a world where women forceful go after men in a sole effort to only have sex with them, it is then and only then, will we be able to call men sluts. That is a world I hope to one day live in. Where men and women can live together coexisting in slut harmony.

- JOB

Fortress Pic: Danny "Grad Ready" Firestone

"Little Man + Big Tie + Short Sleeves = Grad Ready"

Fortress Pic: DJ's Summer Basketball Team

"They may look tame, but don't be fooled. This basketball team is stacked with players who are ready to take the summer by the horns and show the world that friendship is a force to be reckoned with."

Fortress Pic: Trip to Boston

"Dan is angry because he has to pee so bad his body hurts"
"Dan is releaved because the side of the Mass Turpike is covered in his urine"

Fortress Pic

"Tom Sgammato's Grad Party = Neck Injury"

The Jew's News: Article 1

Seatbelts: Friend or Foe?
The old adage "seatbelts save lives" holds less meaning today than ever

With the number of car accidents skyrocketing in recent years, motor vehicle departments around the U.S. have been increasing their advertising budget to campaign harder for the use of seatbelts, but do our neat nylon friends really protect us or are they simply a safety gimmick. The answer. NEITHER. In fact, seatbelts not only don't save your life...they kill your life. In a recent study done by FIT (Fortress Investigation Team) it was shown that seatbelt wearing is actually directly proportional to vehicle manslaughter.

FACT: Seatbelts are inconvienent to put on. They add precious seconds to the drivers trip, which creates the need to drive faster to make up for lost time. Fast driving is the leading cause of accidents. (BOOM! you just got into an accident with the knowledge train)

FACT: Seatbelts are uncomfortable. Uncomfortability is not [a word] a good thing, and it leads to a little something called road rage. Drivers "engaged in da rage" have a greater chance of getting into an accident. In addition, if the seatbelt is uncomfortable, than the driver may go to adjust it, thus taking their eyes off the road, and POW! chances of getting into a collision with an 18-wheeler holding baked goods nearly triple; and chances of smashing into a fruit stand or gypsy kiosk nearly quiple (5x).

FACT: Seatbelts decrease the importance of airbags. Airbags are the most important defense against injury in a crash. In an average crash seatbelts will break the right shoulder, snap the neck, shatter the pelvis, and give you testicular cancer (vehicular testicular cancer) before the airbags even get a chance to deploy.

FACT: Seatbelts will drown you...they will also burn you. Caught underwater or in a fiery inferno these so-called "safety devices" will 16 out of 19 times trap you and make you be not alive anymore. They will also steal from you, rape you, impregnate you, and seatbelts NEVER pay child support.

The completely accurate and not fake chart below demonstrates the relationship between being dead and seatbelts. As you can see, death exponentially increases with increased use of seatbelts.

FACT: These satanic straps destroy lives and should be removed from every car, SUV, truck, and hybrid ever because experts predict that by the year 2027 seatbelts will have killed more people than smoking, guns, inner city gang initiations, gateway drugs.....and cars.....combined.

- 13urely J3w