"A Family Reunion is not a time where you can let your guard down"Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Russia- He's Just Not That Into You
In the news recently 10 Russian spies have been captured after infiltrating and living within American society. These spies have gone so far as to get married, have children, and attend cook outs with African American neighbors (Meet the Browns). After many years of watching football (real football), mowing their lawns while using ride on mowers (with cup-holders), taking advantage of the low prices at Walmart and complaining about gas prices, these spies were finally uncovered. It is still unsure of whether these spies went undercover in America for malicious reasons, but recent news has suggested that these spies only reason for coming to America was to get a better understanding on how Americans felt about Russia.
The Friendship Fortress is always willing to lend a helping hand so here are 10 ways in order to tell if a America is into you.
1. He tells another country- If America is interested, he has most likely told his other mutual country friends about you. This will be a tell-tale sign that the country is trying to find out more about you and is interested in you. A country almost always knows that if he says something nice about you or thinks you are attractive it will make it's way back to you
2. He gives you "the look"- A country like America will always try to maintain a cool calm exterior, but nothing can cover up "the look". If from across the room America is looking you up and down and giving you a sweeping smile then America is definitely into you.
3. He trys to assasinate one of your world leaders- This may seem like America is trying to destroy your government in order to establish one the better suited to fit it's own needs, but this one goes all the way back to grade school. When you would pull on a girl's hair that means you like her. This is a country's way of telling you straight out, "Hey I know we have had our differences, but I want to lay you down in the Russian countryside and feed you strawberries like a wild Ranqifer Tarandus."
4. He appears unexpectedly- Finding trained navy seals rummaging through secret documents in the basement of an unknown bunker may not look good, BUT if he likes you he is going to appear out of nowhere. He can only do this if he has been asking about your schedule and if he is paying attention to where you are going and at what times you. You should take this as a compliment and as a sure sign that he is into you.
5. Mind games- If America is flirting with other countries you are friends with or waterboards any prisoner of war caught behind enemy lines, he might be playing mind games. If you decide to play these mind games right back and he seems to get upset, this is another sign that he into you.
6. He celebrates his achievements with you- When something good happens in America's life does he want to celebrate with you? Like ummmmm IDK like beating the shit out of Nazi's and Winning WWII! Does that one ring a bell? And if it doesn't it's the perfect conversation starter.
7. Be aware of touching- If you are at a UN conference and America's leg touches yours and he doesn't move it there that is a good sign he likes you. Also if he hugs you for small things like you got a new ushanka or your army got new AK-47s this is another good sign that America is into you.
8. Check for signs of nervousness- Nervous laughter, sweaty palms, fidgeting, and looking away quickly when you notice him noticing your noticing him noticing you? is always a good sign America is into you. If you double up naval reinforcements in the Baltic Seas, have submarines spotted close to the Alaskan shores, and are doing a lot of "weather tests" you are defintely going to be making America nervous. The more you make America nervous the more he is going to notice you and keep those sweating palms gushing like Niagra falls.
9. Everyone likes you- If you are a country that everyone likes, America will most likely like you too. If you have had more genocides then theme parks built in the past 10 years then mostly likely America isn't going to be that into you, but don't give up. It is never to late to change and get that flabby Russian butt in gear.
And most importantly....
10. When he talks about his future, does he mention you in it?- When America talks about world domination and one day inslaving all worldly countries are you by his side? When he talks about re-naming North Korea California Jr., is Russia Jr. right below it (South Korea)? When America is driving around Africa in it's gold plated Land Rover are you riding shotgun swiging a bottle of vodka gunning down third world villagers? These are all important questions to ask yourself and if America can't see you there maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time.
All of these are great way in order to tell if America is into you. No need to have spies infiltrating America's society anymore. Good Luck Russia! You blatenly homo-erotic country! The Fortress is behind you all the way!
The Friendship Fortress is always willing to lend a helping hand so here are 10 ways in order to tell if a America is into you.
1. He tells another country- If America is interested, he has most likely told his other mutual country friends about you. This will be a tell-tale sign that the country is trying to find out more about you and is interested in you. A country almost always knows that if he says something nice about you or thinks you are attractive it will make it's way back to you
2. He gives you "the look"- A country like America will always try to maintain a cool calm exterior, but nothing can cover up "the look". If from across the room America is looking you up and down and giving you a sweeping smile then America is definitely into you.
3. He trys to assasinate one of your world leaders- This may seem like America is trying to destroy your government in order to establish one the better suited to fit it's own needs, but this one goes all the way back to grade school. When you would pull on a girl's hair that means you like her. This is a country's way of telling you straight out, "Hey I know we have had our differences, but I want to lay you down in the Russian countryside and feed you strawberries like a wild Ranqifer Tarandus."
4. He appears unexpectedly- Finding trained navy seals rummaging through secret documents in the basement of an unknown bunker may not look good, BUT if he likes you he is going to appear out of nowhere. He can only do this if he has been asking about your schedule and if he is paying attention to where you are going and at what times you. You should take this as a compliment and as a sure sign that he is into you.
5. Mind games- If America is flirting with other countries you are friends with or waterboards any prisoner of war caught behind enemy lines, he might be playing mind games. If you decide to play these mind games right back and he seems to get upset, this is another sign that he into you.
6. He celebrates his achievements with you- When something good happens in America's life does he want to celebrate with you? Like ummmmm IDK like beating the shit out of Nazi's and Winning WWII! Does that one ring a bell? And if it doesn't it's the perfect conversation starter.
7. Be aware of touching- If you are at a UN conference and America's leg touches yours and he doesn't move it there that is a good sign he likes you. Also if he hugs you for small things like you got a new ushanka or your army got new AK-47s this is another good sign that America is into you.
8. Check for signs of nervousness- Nervous laughter, sweaty palms, fidgeting, and looking away quickly when you notice him noticing your noticing him noticing you? is always a good sign America is into you. If you double up naval reinforcements in the Baltic Seas, have submarines spotted close to the Alaskan shores, and are doing a lot of "weather tests" you are defintely going to be making America nervous. The more you make America nervous the more he is going to notice you and keep those sweating palms gushing like Niagra falls.
9. Everyone likes you- If you are a country that everyone likes, America will most likely like you too. If you have had more genocides then theme parks built in the past 10 years then mostly likely America isn't going to be that into you, but don't give up. It is never to late to change and get that flabby Russian butt in gear.
And most importantly....
10. When he talks about his future, does he mention you in it?- When America talks about world domination and one day inslaving all worldly countries are you by his side? When he talks about re-naming North Korea California Jr., is Russia Jr. right below it (South Korea)? When America is driving around Africa in it's gold plated Land Rover are you riding shotgun swiging a bottle of vodka gunning down third world villagers? These are all important questions to ask yourself and if America can't see you there maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time.
All of these are great way in order to tell if America is into you. No need to have spies infiltrating America's society anymore. Good Luck Russia! You blatenly homo-erotic country! The Fortress is behind you all the way!
- JOB
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Chip CHIP CHEERIO FROM THE UK
Well It's a beautiful sunrise here in the gorgeous UK. It's about 5:22 Am and as I awoke slowly I thought I heard the mysteriously haunting but tranquilizing sound of the Thames river...as I rubbed my eyes I was quite startled to see that this sound of rushing water was in fact not coming from the Thames, it was indeed far from the Thames
...IT was in fact a one Gregory Kevin Pissing all over my fucking clothes, backpack, chair, and shoes. I sprung up and grabbed him and screamed go into the bathroom. to which he repled "One more sipp"??? whatever that means... and then he broke from my grasp and continued to pee on my belongings. Chalk another one up for the kid. Oh and wish me and greg luck today, we have to be up at 645am, put on suits, and not return to our rooms untill 1030 tonight.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Jew's News: Article 2
THE BAD “THE DECISION”:
Accelerated global warming, depletion of natural resources, collapse of financial institutions, unemployment, and forest fires are just a few of the adverse effects of Lebron James move to Miami.
Nostradamus, the famous French seer of the 16th century, once prophesized, “When the giant dark king of the Midwest disbands from his throne to seek triumph in the Hotland, devastation will be inescapable”.
Now, skeptics and believers alike can believe what they want to about prophets and mystics, but 1 thing is for sure about Nostradamus. He was French. Which, according to a 2004 Harvard study, means he was a pussy. But what some may not know is that being French in the late 1500’s automatically made you homosexual (Source: History). This fact proves that Nostradamus’s predictions were accurate, because all French gay pussies only think about things like tea, novels, scones, and anal sex; Nostradamus actually thought about other things, and most of Nostradamus visions have come to fruition, including the rise and fall of Saddam Husain in the Middle East (which he described in a homoerotic scripture entitled Saddamy).
When the Fortress Investigation Team broke down Lebron trade to Miami they uncovered that unfortunately again Nostradamus prediction will be right.
Accelerated global warming. Lebron James went to a team called “The HEAT”; Coincidence NO, Problem YES. Ecologists predict that moving Lebron to Miami will increase the average yearly temperature (a.y.t) by 23 degrees. Combining an already weathered ozone layer with all the hot-air spewing from the mouths of Miami fans will increase the temperatures to the point of melting the polar ice caps. In fact just the “shit talk” from Lebron, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade will be enough to raise the a.y.t. 11 degrees, and the overabundance of Lebron frontrunners “fake-fan shit talk” will raise it another 7.
Forest Fires. The new record temperatures will be high enough to start fires in forests. A forest ablaze is, according to a field study by expert Smokey The Bear, a bad thing. (As they are now clearly inevitable, Smokey has announced he will officially be changing his slogan from “Only you can prevent forest fires”, to “@#$! YOU LEBRON!”.)
Pandemonium. With Lebron pulled out of Cleveland, The state of Ohio’s economy will spiral into an economic downturn. This is of course because, as one resident stated, “Ohio sucks and there’s nothing to do there except watch Lebron”. Lebron was the only reason people traveled to Ohio, and economists predict a cash flow decrease in the state of 125%. This will eventually destroy the major Ohio based companies like Proctor and Gamble (wiping you ass, washing clothes, and brushing teeth will be made nearly impossible), eliminating hundreds of thousands of jobs. This economic epidemic will extend to both coasts by 2013 causing what we are already labeling “Pande-Fucking-Monium 2013”
Like all problems, there is a solution, the only way to stop this terrible nation-obliteration from happening is for NBA Commissioner David Stern to null the trade and send Lebron to the Knicks. By doing this…….well…. ..pretty much all the same shit will happen….but hey, New York Knick basketball might be more bearable to watch…so…pros and cons….
Why Men Can Never Be Sluts
In the Romantic comedy “Definitely, Maybe” Ryan Reynolds is tucking his daughter into bed recapping his previous relationships he has had in the past and this dialogue occurs.
Ryan Reynolds- I had two serious girlfriends… and then some other smattering of other women
Abigail Breslin- What’s the boy word for slut?
Ryan Reynolds- They still haven’t come up with one yet. But I am sure they are working on it.
This poses the real question that women have been asking for years- Why can guys sleep with whoever they want and it’s considered cool, but if women sleep with a lot of guys they are considered sluts? The easiest way to answer this is to simple say “I don’t know”. This answer is of course given in order to avoid a fight with a slut. If a man is dumb enough he will try to explain it, but this is almost always a bad idea. Well tonight my friends it’s time to nut up and tell women why they are considered sluts if they sleep with a lot of guys.
First, we must address the reason for why mean are not considered sluts. From the dawn time men have been battling and conquering nations. We look at land and say “Whoah, what’s the land? I think it should be mine.” Another warrior will say “Wait, but that shit’s land right? I think I want to have it instead of you.” And so we battle. There is no difference today with women. We see women and we want to be able to say “I have conquered and owned that territory for at least a night (and maybe quickly again in the morning).” This is why men have sex with a lot of women. Each woman is a different region that needs conquering. The more regions conquered, the more accomplished the man feels. When conversing with other “warriors of the pun” around the campfire discussing their different conquests, a man can say his number with pride. The higher his number, the more gifted the warrior. Men will have sex with as many women as they can. They want to feel like a proud, skilled, and talented warrior that can overcome these obstacles we call “clothing”. Women on the other hand are a whole other ball game.
Why are women called sluts? The general meaning for the word slut is sexually promiscuous. The word slut is meant as an insult (obviously). When a girl is a virgin she is an unconquered nation. She is fucking America! She can looked down on other pathetic nations like Ethiopia and say “Look at you, you dirty slut!” The first country to ever conquer America will be able to stand proud with their glowing cock and say “Hey! Fucking check me out. I swiped America’s V-card.” This is also why taking a girl’s virginity is such an achievement. You were the first combatant to stand on this foreign soil triumphant. If that same soldier were to stand on France and say “Hey! Look at me. I conquered France!” The entire world yell back “Pshh France? The kid who sits in the corner eating paste could nail that slut.” I hate to say this , but ladies you must protect your vaginas as if it held untold fortunes. A proud nation like America just as easily get drunk at a party and have sex with the entire lacrosse team like any other country. It is a fine line a woman must walk between princess and slut-fest, and I am glad to be able to wake up and see a pair of balls between my legs (most of the time- a room can get drafty in the winter time).
So women I say to you this- Men can never be sluts. If one day we live in a world where women forceful go after men in a sole effort to only have sex with them, it is then and only then, will we be able to call men sluts. That is a world I hope to one day live in. Where men and women can live together coexisting in slut harmony.
- JOB
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Fortress Pic: DJ's Summer Basketball Team
"They may look tame, but don't be fooled. This basketball team is stacked with players who are ready to take the summer by the horns and show the world that friendship is a force to be reckoned with."Fortress Pic: Trip to Boston
"Dan is angry because he has to pee so bad his body hurts"
"Dan is releaved because the side of the Mass Turpike is covered in his urine"
The Jew's News: Article 1
Seatbelts: Friend or Foe?
The old adage "seatbelts save lives" holds less meaning today than ever
With the number of car accidents skyrocketing in recent years, motor vehicle departments around the U.S. have been increasing their advertising budget to campaign harder for the use of seatbelts, but do our neat nylon friends really protect us or are they simply a safety gimmick. The answer. NEITHER. In fact, seatbelts not only don't save your life...they kill your life. In a recent study done by FIT (Fortress Investigation Team) it was shown that seatbelt wearing is actually directly proportional to vehicle manslaughter.
FACT: Seatbelts are inconvienent to put on. They add precious seconds to the drivers trip, which creates the need to drive faster to make up for lost time. Fast driving is the leading cause of accidents. (BOOM! you just got into an accident with the knowledge train)
FACT: Seatbelts are uncomfortable. Uncomfortability is not [a word] a good thing, and it leads to a little something called road rage. Drivers "engaged in da rage" have a greater chance of getting into an accident. In addition, if the seatbelt is uncomfortable, than the driver may go to adjust it, thus taking their eyes off the road, and POW! chances of getting into a collision with an 18-wheeler holding baked goods nearly triple; and chances of smashing into a fruit stand or gypsy kiosk nearly quiple (5x).
FACT: Seatbelts decrease the importance of airbags. Airbags are the most important defense against injury in a crash. In an average crash seatbelts will break the right shoulder, snap the neck, shatter the pelvis, and give you testicular cancer (vehicular testicular cancer) before the airbags even get a chance to deploy.
FACT: Seatbelts will drown you...they will also burn you. Caught underwater or in a fiery inferno these so-called "safety devices" will 16 out of 19 times trap you and make you be not alive anymore. They will also steal from you, rape you, impregnate you, and seatbelts NEVER pay child support.
The completely accurate and not fake chart below demonstrates the relationship between being dead and seatbelts. As you can see, death exponentially increases with increased use of seatbelts.
The old adage "seatbelts save lives" holds less meaning today than ever
With the number of car accidents skyrocketing in recent years, motor vehicle departments around the U.S. have been increasing their advertising budget to campaign harder for the use of seatbelts, but do our neat nylon friends really protect us or are they simply a safety gimmick. The answer. NEITHER. In fact, seatbelts not only don't save your life...they kill your life. In a recent study done by FIT (Fortress Investigation Team) it was shown that seatbelt wearing is actually directly proportional to vehicle manslaughter.
FACT: Seatbelts are inconvienent to put on. They add precious seconds to the drivers trip, which creates the need to drive faster to make up for lost time. Fast driving is the leading cause of accidents. (BOOM! you just got into an accident with the knowledge train)
FACT: Seatbelts are uncomfortable. Uncomfortability is not [a word] a good thing, and it leads to a little something called road rage. Drivers "engaged in da rage" have a greater chance of getting into an accident. In addition, if the seatbelt is uncomfortable, than the driver may go to adjust it, thus taking their eyes off the road, and POW! chances of getting into a collision with an 18-wheeler holding baked goods nearly triple; and chances of smashing into a fruit stand or gypsy kiosk nearly quiple (5x).
FACT: Seatbelts decrease the importance of airbags. Airbags are the most important defense against injury in a crash. In an average crash seatbelts will break the right shoulder, snap the neck, shatter the pelvis, and give you testicular cancer (vehicular testicular cancer) before the airbags even get a chance to deploy.
FACT: Seatbelts will drown you...they will also burn you. Caught underwater or in a fiery inferno these so-called "safety devices" will 16 out of 19 times trap you and make you be not alive anymore. They will also steal from you, rape you, impregnate you, and seatbelts NEVER pay child support.
The completely accurate and not fake chart below demonstrates the relationship between being dead and seatbelts. As you can see, death exponentially increases with increased use of seatbelts.
FACT: These satanic straps destroy lives and should be removed from every car, SUV, truck, and hybrid ever because experts predict that by the year 2027 seatbelts will have killed more people than smoking, guns, inner city gang initiations, gateway drugs.....and cars.....combined.
- 13urely J3w
Monday, June 7, 2010
Will New iPhone Decrease Cargo Short Sales?
VS.
Apple’s new iPhone 4 premiered today and now has more features than ever. With new upgrades such as, a front facing camera (good for taking pictures with a loved one while laying in bed myspace style), video chat (good for showing your dick on “Chat Roulette”), and the iPhone’s thinnest frame ever! (good for dropping it into hard to reach places) All these new features will not only improve the user’s day to day life, but will also decrease the amount of shit (stuff) you will have to carry in your pockets. This is good news for iPhone enthusiasts, but bad news for cargo shorts enthusiasts.
With Summer right around the corner it would be expected that cargo short sales would be through the roof right? WRONG! Ever since the release of the first iPhone in 2007 cargo short sales have dramatically decreased. The iPhone is not a 1 in 1, nor a 2 in 1, nor a 3 in 1 device. It is rather a billion to 1 device that can range anywhere from a scrabble board to something crazy like a cellular telephone. When asking an Apple employee how this has affected his life he responded, “My pants don’t feel like they have a ton of shit (stuff) in them anymore.” But while the “Fat Cats” at the Apple store are trotting around in their light pants what are the employees of Gap doing? We caught up with one of them and asked if they thought all the new features on the iPhone were going to decrease the sales of cargo shorts so drastically that they might be out of a job. The employee had this to say: “I never really thought about it (but then again my life does suck. I work at the fucking Gap for Christ’s sake!)”
So this leads to the conclusion- How should iPhone users feel about their new improved mobile devices? Happy that they can now shoot videos of their boring lives and upload them instantly to the land of “who gives a shit” OR sad that a terrible store like the Gap that sells out-of-style cargo shorts to a generation they still think lives in the 60s might be going out of business? It is up to the public to decide.
…………..I for one have a blackberry so I could give a fuck!
- JOB
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Jump Jacks Increase Productivity at Work, BUT Do They Make You Like an Asshole?
The answer is yes. You are at work. Sit on a chair and do what you are paid to do. I don't care if it increases your heart rate and helps your body function. You look like a fucking asshole sitting on a damn ball. And going over to help Karen's fat ass up is taking away from my productivity (that never happened to me but imagining having to do it pisses me off). Your lucky enough to live in a country that owns chairs. Fucking sit on one, shut your mouth and work. Dumbass.
The Debate Rages on- Who is Better?
OR
Who gives a FUCK? You don't get a different fucking internet. What is your fucking problem? Just pick one already. No need to read up on a blog or anything like that.
How to Chill Bottle Quicker
If you want to chill a bottle faster, try wrapping it in a wet towel before you put it in the freezer. OR just don't be a dumb procrastinating asshole and put the bottle in the freezer a head of time.
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